


every tear leaves a stain

by 28lous



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 12:51:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17142083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/28lous/pseuds/28lous
Summary: Steve and Danny deal with a secret Danny has kept to himself for years.Title from the song "Just like You"  by Louis Tomlinson.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bgharison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bgharison/gifts).



> Hello, bgharison! You told me to write the thing I've always wanted to write, and you gave me some details about what you like. I have been thinking about writing about anxiety and you told me you like h/c so I think that's basically what this is. I tried to mix all that and. I hope you like this. 
> 
> I'm not a native English speaker, so if you find any mistakes, please let me know! I'll appreciate it a lot. 
> 
> Another thing! I wrote this on my phone, because my laptop broke and I'm too poor to afford a new one. So if the formatting is off at times and I have typos, I'm sorry! (Seriously, there was a point where I wrote Mary's daughter as Johnnie, so please.)
> 
> And lastly, for the sake of this story not becoming too complicated, Melissa doesn't exist (I'm sorry, honey, I love you)

_every tear leaves a stain_

 

_i._

 

When Steve learns his best-kept secret, Danny is worried that the man’s perception of him will change. So, before the beans are spilled, Steve confidently promises it will not. Danny does not seem too convinced, but he stills takes a leap of trust and tells him.

 

After hearing it, Steve realizes that he has made a promise he cannot keep. In fact, his perception of the man before him _does_ change in the ten minutes it takes him to reveal something he has kept locked away from everyone close to him in Hawai’i. It does not change in a bad way, though, nor in a good way. But the SEAL knows better than to say anything.

 

The words are uttered in such a quiet manner that there are points where he almost misses some of them. If he was not paying close attention, he might never hear some of the most important pieces. It is such a rare sight; a quiet Danny. Not in the way he is quiet when he is sleepy, or speaking to a victim's parents, or when he is reading a bedtime story to Charlie. But a type of quietness that is rooted in vulnerability. It is the first time Steve has ever seen him like this, but he knows right away that  he does not like it.

 

He looks tired, and his eyes get fixed on his lap as his fingers play with a loose thread until it unravels and unravels and there is a hole on his sweatpants.

 

"It was so long ago that I thought it wasn't important enough to mention." He answers when Steve asks why he has never said anything. He has not asked in a demanding or accusatory manner, and he lets him know as much. Danny appreciates it. "We're gonna be together now, so it's only fair you know."

 

Knowing his secret changes his view about Danny. He feels lightheaded, as though the world has slipped from under his feet.

 

"It won't be easy at times, with me." He adds with a shrug of his shoulders. "I want you to know what you're signing up for."

 

Some things start to make more sense. And he wishes he had noticed the patterns and put two and two together. But this whole bunch of information does not only change the way he knows his partner but also an important part of his general worldview.

 

"So, what- what do you think?" Danny asks nervously once he is done explaining. He has his lower lip drawn between his teeth, and he looks tired, exhausted even. Like he has ran a marathon, or chased a perp down a busy street. "Any questions, maybe?" He suggests when Steve does not say anything, letting out a nervous, humorless chuckle.

 

"How long?" Steve manages to croak out, weakly, still processing the information.

 

"How long ago was it, you mean? Probably six years ago, I'm not so sure." He shrugs again, trying to seem unaffected, but the light shake to his hands gives him away. Steve pretends not to notice.

 

"No." Steve shakes his head. "How long did it go for?"

 

"Oh." Danny thinks about it for a moment. "I don't think I've ever been able to... pinpoint exactly when it started. But we dated for two years. I just... back then I didn't think these things could happen to me, or men in general, so when he started showing certain signs, I shrugged them off." He looks at Steve for a minute, studies his face and then giggles. The man looks so confused when he does so that he cannot help but laugh a full-on crackle. "Judging by your expression, is it a safe bet that you didn't think these things happened either?" He says, teasingly. Steve shakes his head, and he looks terribly guilty.

 

"Hey, don't do that, yeah? It's not your fault, it's just society and its fucked up idea of masculinity." He smiles sweetly, reaching out to take the other's hand in his, like Steve is the one who needs comforting right now. "It took me a while to comprehend, and even longer to accept it."

 

"Are you..." Steve starts, but he does not seem to find the words to finish his question, so he stutters a little. It is something so unusual in him that Danny would find it amusing if he wasn't feeling so drained. "Are you okay? Like now?"

 

"Well, I guess you're never truly one hundred percent fine but, yes. It took lots of therapy, countless Gracie cuddles and loads of energy but yes, I am okay." Danny answers with a tiny smile, which Steve returns, and then the topic is dropped and they start arguing about what to have for dinner.

 

Steve cannot stop thinking about it, though. And that night, after he makes sure his boyfriend is deeply asleep, he sneaks out of his room and heads to the living room. He turns on his laptop, puts in his password and opens a new incognito tab. He looks up statistics, facts, anything that comes up on at least twenty pages of Google results.

 

He reads virtually everything that he finds available online, anything that might help him understand better. The last thing he wants to do is to put his foot in his mouth and be an insensitive twat.

 

But the thing is, he grew up in an environment in which men were taught to be tough. Stoic, emotionless even. He has told Danny as much at several points during their partnership when he had struggled to communicate his feelings and fears. He was not even allowed to cry his mother's death, under the hard stare and rigid stance of his emotionally deprived father. Then he had joined the NAVY, which was basically a crib of toxic masculinity.

 

He remembers one particular kid named Ross from his academy days. The guy had more issues than he could possibly keep count of, and due to his sensitive nature, he had gained himself a reputation of being a _sissy_. Now Steve flinches at the term, but back then he had secretly agreed to some extent.

 

Ross had joined the NAVY in hopes of being _‘toughened up’_. It proved to be pointless, though, and one particularly rough day, he had had a breakdown. He had ended up crying quietly in his bunk until one of their mates noticed. The guy had made a spectacle out of it, shaming him for his weakness.

 

Steve himself did not laugh at him and had felt some sympathy, but he did not stand up for him either. When they gave him a beat up, he thought that maybe their mates just wanted to help him _man up_ .

 

So, he thinks it is not too far-fetched to assume that if he had encountered a male victim of domestic abuse back then, he would have thought they were exaggerating. He would have thought them weak.

 

But Danny is not weak. He himself has witnessed the mouthy ex-Jersey cop come face to face with way too many life-threatening situations with the utmost confidence. He has stood up to CIA agents and weaved his way onto a flight to freaking Afghanistan just to be by Steve’s side. And so on… So, he is confused at best.

 

He is a whole different person now than he was back in his NAVY days, that much is true, so  he wants to do his best to understand.

 

Why had Danny allowed it to happen?

 

He shuts down that thought immediately. It feels wrong, as though he is blaming him. He would certainly never ask a woman such insensitive question. But Danny is all strong muscles and Steve himself can confirm he has got a mean right hook, so it is not like he would have been defenseless against another man.

 

Feeling a headache coming, he closes the last tab and shuts down his laptop, scrubbing his face with his hand. God, what the fuck.

  
  


They do not talk about the subject for a couple days, and by then Steve has worked himself up to a perpetual scowl. Danny adds it to his _Aneurysm Face_ repertory.

 

It is Monday, they have just dropped Charlie and Grace off at school and are on their way to the HQ. Danny is half amused, half exasperated. He has an idea as to why Steve is acting like someone has kicked his puppy, but he wishes the man would talk to him.

 

He knows Steve has problems communicating what he's got on his mind, but now they are dating -which still sounds strange to his own ears- and he has literally told him about the darkest period of his life, so he hopes they can be more open to each other now. He sighs, why is everything with Steve a challenge?

 

Also, he is nervous.

 

He does not want his past to affect their relationship before they even get the chance to properly start it. Mostly, he does not want Steve to treat him differently; he wants things to stay the way they have always been with them -only with the addition of kisses, of course.

 

So, by the time they arrive to the Palace, both men have gotten lost in their own worries until neither of them is talking to the other.

 

It is a long day of overdue paperwork, and no one fails to notice the tension between both guys. No one knows about them, yet, but they can probably put two and two together like it is a no brainer.

 

Chin even makes a comment about relationships in the workplace, attempting to be casual. Steve scowls at him while Danny just ignores him and continues his journey towards the coffee maker.

 

He pours his coffee and adds a few cubes of sugar, stirring it distractedly. It has only been a couple days and things have already become awkward between him and Steve, and he hates it, hates the possibility of this issue ruining their chances of working out. Dreads to think Mark would still have the power to ruin another good thing in his life.

 

It would not be the first time. His first boyfriend after he and Mark parted ways, Ben, could not handle the mess he was back then. The constant need for validation and the insecurities had eventually driven him away. Then it came Carl, who could not understand why they would have to wait to have sex; Danny never tried to explain and thought it was better to break it off than even consider such possibility. Then it came Layla, Koa, and lastly, Gabby.

 

Rachel was the most understanding of all, and he is still grateful for that. She was the first person, besides his parents and therapist, whom he told, and she was a huge support system even after their divorce. But shit happens, a custody battle happened, Hawaii happened, this job happened, and his crazy, exasperating, animal of a partner happened.

 

So here he is now. Thinking about how foolish he is by letting himself hope somehow a new roll of the dice will change his luck.

 

He flinches a little when Kono's voice takes him out of his thoughts all of a sudden. He realizes that his coffee has gone cold and groans in annoyance.

 

"Hey, brah, what's up?" The girl asks, pointing at his cup of coffee with a jerk of her chin as she starts working on her own cup.

 

"Nothing, just my coffee going disgustingly cold." He complains and sips it with a grimace.

 

"I can see that." She smiles with a shake of her head. "But what's going on  in that head of yours for that to happen in the first place?" The question is worded carefully and accompanied with a kind but knowing smile. He watches as she moans happily when she takes a drink from her own cup in order to give him time to respond, and leaves his one aside, suddenly feeling weary. When he does not offer an answer, she continues. "You and bossman there have been acting so miserable all day, and I can't help but think somehow his reason to be scowling at everything that moves is correlated to the reason you're here staring at your coffee like it holds the meaning of life." She says in one breath, then stops to take another sip. He says nothing, though, and just watches her.

 

There are times when he wonders if they can see right through him. He works with highly skilled people after all, and specifically Kono takes domestic violence a little too personally, so sometimes when they make certain comments, or look at him a little too long as if trying to decipher him, he wonders how much they know. How much he has inadvertently let on.

 

He knows it is probably his paranoia acting up, but there are also times when he wishes they knew.

 

"Look, all I'm saying is, you can talk to me, any of us. Even Max." She adds, and he chuckles at that. "No, I'm serious, he's a great listener. Just don't torture yourself all on your own."

 

"Thanks." He smiles. "Just let me figure some things out on my own first."

 

"Sure, whenever you're ready, I'm here to listen." She hugs him and then marches to her office so she can continue ignoring her paperwork while playing Candy Crush on her phone.

 

When he turns around to go to his own office, he sees Chin leaving Steve's cubicle.

 

He really, really loves these people.

 

-

 

When they are on their way to Steve's house, he notices Steve is a lot less tense. So he reaches out and takes his hand that is not on the steering wheel, fingers intertwining. Steve smiles softly, so he lets himself hope things are going to be alright between them. At least for the time being.

 

"I talked to Chin today." Steve states, and Danny is mildly surprised that he is the first one to address the day-long elephant in the room. "And he made up some situation between, hear me out, his friend who's dating his other friend."

 

"Oh, God." Danny groans, letting his head fall on the headrest, feeling a little mortified.

 

"And when I asked whom they were, he said that I didn’t know them. From HPD, apparently." He adds air quotes and shakes his head, grinning. "Said these friends of his have communication issues and, that they should talk or... whatever, the analogy got confusing and I lost the plot." He shrugs, which makes Danny chuckle a little. "In conclusion, he let me know in a very creative way that I should talk to you if I wanted to make things work."

 

"Oh. And what is this you want to talk about?" Danny knows, but he asks anyway. Steve pulls up in front of his house and turns off the engine before he finally looks at the man on his right.

 

"I just… got a little lost in my own head. Thinking how I could try to be a good boyfriend for you.” He starts and Danny is so satisfied he has not had to drag the words out of his mouth for once. “I read so much stuff that I was scared I might say something insensitive or triggering… I really want to do things right with you.”

 

“That means a lot. But I’m not fragile, okay, I am not going to break. So, don’t change the way you are around me, please? I want things to stay just the same.” He says, feeling so much relief he cannot help the smile that adorns his face. He leans up to leave a tender kiss on his boyfriend's lips, trying to communicate how grateful he is. For him, for his efforts, for staying. "Though I wouldn't mind you not jumping into every dangerous situation you encounter." He adds, which makes Steve laugh a little, dissipating the last bits of awkwardness left.

 

“I just want things to work out between us.” Steve whispers after a few more seconds of kissing, deep hazel eyes looking into the other's Tenerife blue ones.

 

-

 

They spend their evening lazing around, dressed comfortably in their sweatpants and t-shirts, thoroughly enjoying the fact that no one from their _ohana_ is doing something life-threatening at the moment.

 

Once they finish eating dinner, they decide to watch some trash TV in the living room before going to bed, deciding to make the best of their scarce spare time. They decide on some reality show about surviving in the jungle with minimun tools -Steve passionately points out every single thing they do wrong, Danny pretends he does not find it endearing.

 

After a while, they mute the TV, wanting to have a calm conversation. Steve has got his head on Danny's lap, feeling relaxed as the man gently cards his fingers through his short hair.

"Danno?" Steve voices after a few moments of silence.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"What... What was his name?" The fingers on his hair stop a second later, and he is scared he has screwed up big time, but he needs to know for some reason. Maybe he is a masochist, or maybe he unconsciously hoping he can perform witchcraft on him if he gets to know his name- he does not know.

 

Danny does not have to ask for clarification about whose name Steve is asking about. It is a weird question, even for the man, but he figures if he does not want their relationship to follow the same path his previous ones have taken, then he has to be willing to share these details. He already took the first step, the rest should be easier. Or so he hopes.

 

"Mark, Mark Greenwald." He answers and starts massaging Steve's scalp, if it is to keep him or himself calm, he is not sure.

 

"How did you meet him?"

 

"Ehm... the supermarket. I was confused between pancake mix and corn flour." Steve snorts at that.

 

"Really?"

 

"Cut me some slack, Steve, I had been living by myself for only three months, cooking wasn't exactly my biggest passion." He says, defensively, pulling at a short strand of Steve's hair. "But anyway, he pointed out the right one to me, gave me some advice on brands and recipes. Then he offered to teach me how to make his aunt's banana pancakes, and I was desperate to make something good for Grace, so I said yes."

 

"Teach you how to make pancakes? How smooth of him."

 

"Hey! I was freshly out of my marriage, I was emotionally vulnerable!" He says it in a joking manner, trying to continue their bickering as to keep their conversation light, but Steve can see there is a pinch, or maybe more, of truth to it. And then something clicks.

 

"That's why, that's how..."

 

"How I got trapped in that type of relationship? Yeah, pretty much." He sighs, and Steve sits up in order to face his boyfriend, giving him all his attention. "It wasn't like... Like he woke up one day and he was violent and manipulative and an overall ass. I was- I was in a bad place, mentally, I mean. My marriage had failed, I felt like I had failed Grace for not being good enough for Rachel to keep.” He pauses to take a deep breath. “According to my therapist, I was depressed.”

 

Steve has taken his hand, and rubs his knuckles with his thumb.

 

“And he came, and he was kind and charming… helped me with the shitty apartment I was living in. Heard me complain about Rachel and even cry about it. I thought highly of him.”

 

“But…?” Steve prompts when he becomes suddenly quiet.

 

“But he ingrained himself into my life so, so deeply that I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, of having another failed relationship and be alone. So when we started fighting, and the first punch came, it wasn’t like I couldn’t fight back, I just didn’t want to… I wasn’t scared of him, but I was scared of him leaving. Of him getting tired… of me.”


	2. Chapter 2

_ii_.

 

Ever since recovery - and he still has a hard time coming to terms with that word-, he has had both good and bad days. As well as great ones and very fucking bad ones.

 

Thankfully, as time goes on, he finds himself having less and less of the bad kind.

 

Even in this pineapple-infested hellhole -as he so kindly has nicknamed Hawai'i- where he cannot fit in and where his life has been put in danger in ways that New Jersey policemen only get to see in Hollywood movies; even here, and despite the homesickness, he has managed to have more good days than he thought possible. He knows the beautiful people he has met, who have done everything to make him feel a little less alone, are a big factor. That had he remained in HPD and he would have either shot himself on accident or shot himself willingly.

 

However, there are still bad, bad days. And today is one of those.

 

He knows it since the moment he wakes up. He opens his eye and an immediate feeling of dread welcomes him. It is tight on his chest and barely lets him breathe.

 

In the past, he has compared it to having an episode of sleep paralysis; the sensation of having someone kneeling on top of you with their hands around your neck, the desperate need  to keep calm but panic winning no matter how hard you try. Telling yourself _it's not real, it's not real_ but still feeling as though you are going to be taken over by this amorphous entity.

 

It is almost the same, and just breathing in takes too much energy. He starts panting, his brain going a mile per minute until he is unable to make sense of any of the images going through it.

 

So he cannot help but lay there, staring up at his ceiling with his hands clenched tight on his sides. The noise of his alarm going off feels distant, and he ignores it. It stops and then it starts again a few minutes later, but he ignores it again. The process continues until he realizes he has got to go to work. But it is probably late. Steve is probably waiting for him to pick him up so they can carpool to the Palace.

 

Oh, _God_ , he is going to be late to pick Steve up and he is probably going to be mad.

 

He is panicking, but he still cannot find the energy to move.

 

On normal days, he would honestly not give a flying fuck about Steve getting mad at him for his tardiness, but today he can only hear Mark's voice in his head, reminding him how eventually Steve will leave him too, like everyone else who has gotten tired of him and.

 

And he wants to put it off as much as possible.

 

Two or five minutes later -or maybe an entire hour later for all he knows- he manages to stretch his arm out to take his phone from the nightstand, turning off the alarm hastily. With shaking finger, he  decides to text Steve to let him know he is going to be late, and assure him that he can leave for work without him and they will meet there, but he notices he has two new text messages from him.

 

_'danno, something has come up, i had to leave early. see you at work'._

 

Then there is another message following the first one, sent within seconds of each other.

 

_'before you start going thru every possible horrifying scenario, its nothing bad, promise. love u xx'._

 

Which, okay.

 

Firstly, _'nothing bad'_ on a McGarrett scale can mean anything, from a casual thievery case to a secret op in some war-ridden place. So his attempt at reassuring him is pointless. It actually only worsens his anxiety.

 

It makes him stand up from his bed, though, needing to see Steve to make sure he has not ran off to some forsaken hellhole to play hero.

 

He goes through the motions of his morning routine on autopilot. He barely styles his hair and his shirt is wrinkled, and he only has a piece of toast for breakfast -which soon enough ends up in the sink as he throws up.

 

As he walks towards his car, he vaguely thinks about how grateful he is that Rachel has the kids. He once snapped at Grace during one of his unannounced bad days, and she seemed so hurt that he has not been able to forgive himself yet.

 

Grace is big enough now and  understands that sometimes her Danno is not okay, but he prefers not to risk hurting her again. Or Charlie, who is still too little and still warming up to him.

 

To his surprise, he makes it to the HQ without having ran over someone or crashed his car or something equally catastrophic. He practically runs towards the bullpen, the need to see Steve growing with every step.

 

And when he arrives, steps taking him closer to Steve's office, he stops abruptly when he sees his boyfriend in his cubicle, door apparently locked, hunched over his desk while going through a map from what he can see. The little relief does not last long, though, because then he spots someone by his side. He does not have to see her face to know it is Catherine.

 

He watches closely as she goes to stand by his side, her shoulders bumping into his bicep as she looks down to point at something on the map.

 

He knows, deep down, that they must be doing something work-related, but the rational part of his brain is not cooperating with him right now, and the dreadful telltale of jealousy starts growing at the bottom of his stomach.

 

Chin comes out of his office holding a pile of files and stops by his side. They greet each other and Chin continues skimming through the papers while Danny continues watching Catherine and Steve.

 

"What's she doing here?" He asks, and flinches at the displeased tone he could not keep from his voice. Cath is his friend and he cares about her, _but_. But she is also the person Steve dated-not-dated for years, with whom Steve shares so many things in common, who also left Steve to his own devices in Afghanistan.

 

"Who knows," Chin says, "they've been locked there since before I came here." He feels Chin's stare on him, and feels totally exposed, like he can hear the jealousy in his voice although he has only said a couple words.

 

He only nods, afraid of  revealing more of his inner thoughts if he were to speak again, and retreats to his own office.

 

He sits down in front of his computer, but instead of turning it on and starting bullshitting his way through paperwork and trying to justify McGarrett hanging off a suspect from a chopper, he angles his rolling chair slightly towards the direction of his partner's office and continues watching. He watches as Steve paces inside the confined space, looking serious with his hands on his hips, and worry starts making its way up his throat.

 

He looks at the clock on the wall. He arrived ten minutes ago and Steve still has not noticed his presence. So he grabs his phone and texts him. He just wants to know what it is they are discussing in such secrecy so the choking feelings of jealousy and worry will dissipate.

 

 _'wanna say hi? what's going on'_ , he sends, and then proceeds to watch as Steve picks up his phone, looks at it for a millisecond, and pockets it again.

 

Yeah, that is not good.

 

Thirty minutes later he has barely typed one paragraph, unable to concentrate. Why is she here? Is she going to take Steve away to play hero again in a place where their presence has done more bad than good?

 

If Steve accepts, what does it mean for them? Steve has to know which position Danny will have on that possibility, and him choosing to go ahead will basically be him putting Catherine before him.

 

He shakes his head, that is a dangerous path of thoughts he does not want to venture into. He is being irrational and possessive and. His hands are shaking again.

 

A moment later Steve is barging into his office like he hasn't been ignoring him for the past forty minutes or so, Catherine just a step behind him.  

 

"Danny!" She all but yells excitedly, and grins at him while rushing to hug him.

 

He awkwardly hugs back, closed fists barely touching her back. She pulls away but keeps her hands on his biceps, squeezing lightly as she continues smiling at him.

 

"Long time no see you, detective! Last time I heard from you was..." She puts her finger to her chin, and she actually seems like she is trying to remember. Or maybe she is just playing with him, in his current state of mind he cannot tell the difference because. Because to him, it is impossible to forget.

 

"Yes, when you phoned me to tell me to save Steve from some lovely head-chopping folks, _I_ remember." Her smile drops at that, and her hands come to rest at her side. She looks embarrassed and so, so guilty that Danny immediately regrets what he has just said. He is not like this, his friends might tease him about being hot-headed and sarcastic, but he is never purposely mean.

 

But God, she has the worst timing. Her and his anxiety deciding to make a reappearance on the same goddamn day is more than he can handle. Much more if her presence has something to do with whatever they did in Afghanistan and discussing it requires being locked in an office for several hours.

 

"Oh, yeah, never got the chance to say sorry." She shrugs, rubbing her arm to try to ease her discomfort. "So, I’m sorry." She says, at last, and leaves the office.

 

This was not the way he had hoped their first conversation after seeing her again would go.

 

"What was that?" Steve asks once she is out of hearing range. He does not look too pleased, a frown creating creases between his eyebrows. Danny has the urge to reach out with his thumb, try to ease them, he hates to see Steve unhappy. But he stays put, hands still shaky.

 

"You ignored my text." He says instead, ignoring Steve's question. They can talk about his irrational behavior later, now he needs to know what the reason behind Catherine's unannounced visit is, what they have just spent hours planning without wanting anyone to eavesdrop; otherwise he will go crazy.

 

"That's not what I asked."

 

"I don't care what you asked, you ignored my text." He snaps, tired, pissed, scared. "What is this about? What is she doing here? What are you going to do? I swear to God, McGarrett, if I have to go and bring your ass back from some awful-"  He starts going off, eyes becoming a little watery and his voice hitching. He knows he is close to either hyperventilating, having a panic attack or both, but he lacks the energy to do something about it.

 

"Hey, hey, calm down, babe, you're letting that brain of yours go out of control again." Steve comes to stand in front of him, putting his hands on both of his cheeks, thumbs softly rubbing the skin there in an attempt to get him to calm down. "Let me explain, yeah?"

 

"What are you going to do? What is that map for?"

 

"I can't say."

 

"You can't tell me, I see." Danny removes the other man's hands from his face, and goes to sit on one of the leather armchairs in front of his desk.

 

"It's classified, Danny, please, you have to understand."

 

"Will you leave the island? The country? How will I- how will I know you're okay?" He stands up from the armchair again, and starts pacing, thoroughly swerving each of Steve's attempts to touch him.

 

"Yes, and no. Danny, it's not something too dangerous, you don't have to worry about my safety, I'll be fine." Steve says it so matter-matter-of-factly that it does nothing to reassure him. It does piss him off, though.

 

They remain in silence for a couple of minutes, during which Steve continues his efforts to get close to Danny. In the end, he manages to take his hand and intertwine their fingers. He counts it as a win.

 

"Will it make any difference if I ask you not to go?" Danny asks, tiredly staring at their hands blended together.

 

"I'm sorry." It is the second apology he has heard today. "Catherine really needs my help and I-"

 

"And you what?" He stands up abruptly again. "You can't say no to her but fuck it if I need you to stay, right?" He is being unfair and he is raising his voice and he is not liking where this is going. God, how could a day go so wrong.

 

"Babe, you know it's not like that. What's going on with you today?"

 

At that, Danny visibly deflates and does not say anything anymore. He just goes back to his chair in front of his computer, unusually quiet, and continues typing from where he has left off on his document.

 

"Danny, please." Steve begs, voice edging on pissed.

 

"I have to finish this, so, if you'll excuse me." The man only sighs, and leaves the office. Danny regrets what he has just said almost immediately, but his pride does not let him get up and follow Steve before he goes away.

 

-

 

He comes back three and a half days later, sporting a few new scratches throughout the expanse of his skin. He had expected to come back to a lonely house, but relief washes over him as he spots the Camaro parked in his driveway.

He opens the door to his house with nervous excitement and almost immediately spots Danny, who is watching a rerun of some game. He stands awkwardly in his position, unsure if he is welcome to hug or even touch his boyfriend.

 

Danny seems to notice, though, and practically jumps from the couch and pulls Steve into an embrace.

 

“You stupid, stupid animal.” He says, but there is not bite to it, so Steve hugs back even tighter. They stay like that for a while, as if scared of letting go. "I was so worried about you."

"Told you there was nothing to worry about." Steve says as he tucks his face into his partner's neck, sounding almost cocky. Danny loves him so, so much.

The detective pulls away a little to inspect him, to make sure he is completely fine and there are not hidden wounds. He frowns when he spots someone scratches and cuts here and there on the glimpses of skin he gets to see.

"What are these then?" Danny asks, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the couch. He is still smiling, though, so Steve knows he is not going to give him hell for it. "Stay there, don't go off to some crazy mission while I'm away." 

Steve sits down and smiles as he watches him go, only to come back with rubbing alcohol and some bandages. He sits by his side, and starts treating the cuts on Steve's face first.

"Look, Danny, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for leaving like that." He flinches a little when Danny presses a ball of cotton wet with alcohol to a cut on his cheek. "I know it seems like I chose her over you, but I'd... I'd never do that. I'd never choose anyone over you."

 

"No, Steve, it's me who has to apologize." When the man begins to protest, Danny shakes his head and continues. "When I told you I was a lot to... deal with."

 

"You make it sound like you're a burden." Steve frowns, clearly finding his choice of words off-putting.

 

"Can you please listen to me?"

 

"Okay, mom."

 

"Don't make me smack you." Danny threatens, but the other knows it is an empty threat, so he smiles fondly. "What I mean is, sometimes I have those days when I'm unbearable. I get extremely and irrationally paranoid. I'm moody in a cruel way, hence how I treated Catherine, and how I put all the blame in you because I was jealous. Sometimes I get depressed, it depends, I guess. It's been going on since, you know... Mark and I broke up. Anxiety attacks, my wise therapist calls them."

 

"I should've known..."

 

"No, Steve, I didn't say anything. They don't happen that much anymore so I didn't mention it."

 

"Okay." Steve then pulls him to his chest, hugging him so fiercely Danny thinks their bodies might blend in. "I love you."

 

"I know, I love you too." .


	3. Chapter 3

iii.

It is Christmas Eve, and luck has - for once- been on their side. No case comes up, no important meeting to attend, all the paperwork has been completed so they get to leave work earlier than usual.

 

And they are really giddy. This year Charlie is spending Christmas with him while Grace is away with Rachel and her family in Somewherestershire - he is proud of the nickname he has come up with when he realized he wouldn't see his baby girl on Christmas.

 

So, he wants to make the best out of it. Steve is spending it with them as well, which he knows Charlie is really excited about.

 

They go pick up Charlie from Mary, who has volunteered to babysit him while they are at work, and go back to Steve's house. The little boy and Steve get to decorate the tree -which was bought last minute- while Danny works in the kitchen, cooking some lasagna because everyone is coming to dinner.

 

He puts the tray with the lasagna in the oven, and decides to go inspect the his boys' creation. Coming into the room, he sees Steve standing still as Charlie wraps fairy lights around his body while standing on the couch to reach his head, and he laughs. Well, he has three children now, it seems.

 

He feels so happy right now. And it is a type of happiness he has not been able to experience in so many years, always being overshadowed by anxiety and a unsettling feeling of uncertainty.

 

He realizes, for the first time in a long while, he is not waiting for the worst to come. He is not expecting Steve to go up and leave. He does not feel like what he has with him and his children is borrowed time, but a promise of forever.

 

 Friends start to arrive two hours later, all of them bringing gifts for the child. He jumps in excitement every time, shaking the boxes sometimes to try to figure out what the presents might be. Kamekona brings, to no one's surprise, a shrimp-based dish, and Kono brings booze. Max brings some CDs while Jerry offers to sing his very own version of All I Want For Christmas with Flippa in the ukulele. When he gets to sing it, everyone cheers proudly for him, everyone sporting impressed faces.

 

Mary shows up a little late, and Steve lights up like his own tree when he sees her and little Joannie. He hugs her and kisses her until she starts to writhe in his arms for him to let her go, so he puts her on the ground, and she goes off to play with Charlie and his toy cars on the floor.

 

Everyone is having a good time, all smiles and Danny cannot help but feel he is home.

 

When dinner is served, everyone gathers around two tables that have been put together in the lanai. It is chilly outside, but the soft sound of the waves crashing onshore and the wind blowing on the palm-trees create a lovely atmosphere.

 

They chat, crack jokes and laugh until their faces ache. Theirs is a mismatched, but perfect family.

 

After a while, Danny stands up, and clears his throat to get people's attention. When everyone looks at him, he grabs Steve's hand, and he looks slightly nervous.

 

"So... There's something I wanted to say. Um, as you all know, when I first came here, I hated this place. Everything about it, the sand in my shoes, everyone wearing flip-flops, pineapple on every single meal... I despised everything." He confesses, looking sheepish. When Kamekona shouts 'we got the point!' he moves to his next point. "But it was in a big part due to some things I was personally dealing with." Steve squeezes his hand tighter, trying to offer his support. "I was... uhm, I was in an abusive relationship for two years, and when I moved here I was still trying to recover mentally."

 

For so many years he has tried to keep his past hidden from these people, he has gone above and beyond to keep it locked away from them, so they would not think he is weak or unable to do his job. But now that it is out there in the open, he feels so relieved. He knows now that they won't think any lesser of him. Because they are his family, and they love him and accept him, as he does them.

 

"But thanks to you, guys." He continues. "I've managed to find a home again." He chuckles when he sees Kono wipe a tear from her face, utmost pride etched on her features. "And even love." He finishes, raising his and Steve's intertwined hands to let them know whom he is referring to.

 

Steve stands up and kisses him lovingly, and everyone starts chanting happily. Some even exclaiming 'finally'. Yeah, he is not one hundred percent okay yet, but with these people he thinks he might just be.

 

-

 

Sometimes Steve has a hard time reconciling the fact that his Danno went through something as traumatic as domestic abuse. He catches himself staring at him, when he is interrogating a suspect with no ounce of fear, when he stands up to bureaucrats in big positions who try to tear down their team, or when they are gathered with their friends and he seems so full on life.

 

He looks at him then, silently, a fond smile resting upon his lips, and wonders how such a beautiful person could have gone through something so awful.

 

He has never personally known any domestic abuse victim, only the ones he has encountered through his job, but he does know stats. And the fact that Danny is here, with minimum scars and trauma, -and alive- belongs to the lowest percentage.

 

After everyone has left, he watches him play with his son as he carries the little boy on his shoulders around the house pretending he is a dinosaur. Soon, they disappear upstairs to, most likely, put Charlie to bed; and he unexpectedly feels a big surge of relief and gratefulness fill him up.

 

When Danny comes back downstairs, Steve is putting the freshly-washed dishes away, scrubbing them. Danny sits on the counter, watching Steve. He looks tired, but content.

 

"I mean, you could help." Steve says when je notices him, teasingly. "Don't worry, I trust you to do a good job."

The SEAL, who is wearing an apron and some reindeer ears Charlie has given him, sticks his tongue out at him, but continues with his task happily, humming Santa Claus is Coming to Town and shaking his hips. Danny thinks he is ridiculous.

 

"You're a man child."

 

"Yet you love me."

 

"Sometimes I wonder why." Steve grins, and comes to stand in front of him and between his legs, wrapping his arms around the man's torso.

 

"I loved that speech of yours, just so you know." Steve confesses, and Danny pulls at the ears on his head. "You've finally embraced Hawai'i as your home."

 

"You're so smug about it, aren't you?"

 

"Just a bit." They stay silent for a while, Steve leaning down a little to rest his head on Danny's chest, until he speaks again. "You know, when you first told me everything, I promised the way I think of you wouldn't change. But... it did." He confesses, and his boyfriend freezes in his spot. "I think of you as a braver and stronger person than I did before. You helped me see that men can be victims too, and that's okay. Not only now, though, since we met, you've helped me see that it's okay to feel, that it's okay not to be okay. And that's made me stronger too. I no longer hide what I feel in fear of being weak, and it's made me a healthier, happier person. So... Thank you. I love you."

 

"You're a cheese, you know that?" is what Danny says, but his voice betrays him and breaks a little at the edge.

 

"I love you, not in the way we've always told each other. I am in love with you." Steve states, so sure of himself that Danny can only pull him up by his collar to kiss him fiercely.

 

It has been a bumpy road, getting in and out a destructive relationship, recovering, moving to a completely unknown place, and falling in love with this goofy, exasperating man, but it has been worth it.

 

He is happy, and not dreading the future anymore, but looking forward to it instead.

**Author's Note:**

> I am soo nervous, this is only my second fic in this fandom and there are so many good writers that I am reaaaally scared. Thank you for reading xxxx
> 
>  
> 
> (I haven't watched season 8-9 completely because they don't show it here in Venezuela and I don't have money to pay for a streaming service SO I didn't know Tani had a sibling named Koa, so Please, the Koa in this fic is a different one. I found that name on a list and I liked it.)


End file.
